Aging Parents and Sibling Rivalry

When an aging parent is thrown into a crisis, the whole family is involved. This is a time when siblings might rally around each other and use their strengths to cope with the crisis in a way that serves everyone's best interests.

Sometimes, adult children find themselves playing out old roles and scripts with each other. Old feelings of rivalry and competition may get in the way of shared solutions.

How can brothers and sisters put aside these patterns when they are forced together to help their aging parents?

First, recognize and accept differences. You and your siblings do not necessarily share values, beliefs, and experiences; in fact, you may come from different generations!

If you are an "early boomer" born between 1946 -1950, you are close to retirement and likely addressing some of your own aging issues.

If your youngest sibling was born 15 years later in the early 60's, you two may not have much in common. This "late boomer" is still involved in work and career and raising children.

Next, respect the differences. This is easier said than done, but necessary for working together for a common family goal. This process requires internal work - to abandon judgment and criticism of someone whose views are different from yours.

Then, really listen. Possibly the most important communication skill is to become an "active listener." It takes work, but listening to others can help you to find common ground.

Here are five tips on being a better listener:

• Listen at least as much as you talk. Ideally, listen more than you speak.
• Try to understand (if not agree with) the other's point of view.
  
  o  Ask for clarification if you do not understand
  o  Give positive -  or at least neutral - feedback on their ideas
  
  
• Suspend judgment and assumptions while listening.
• Listen for the feelings that lie beneath the words.
• Avoid the temptation to become sarcastic or critical.

Active listening requires intention as well as attention! Each person must truly want what's best for everyone, not just to advance his or her own agenda.

Involving an impartial outside party, such as a trusted family friend or advisor - or an ElderWise coach - can help interrupt these patterns. The presence of an impartial third party in the room is often enough, in itself, to change the tone of family conversations.

A skilled coach can also be helpful in framing or re-framing the issues, monitoring for good listening skills, and helping all family members discover and remove the blocks to effective conversations.

For more information on ElderWise coaching, click here. 

Related Reading:

Generation Gap - The Sequel

Moving in Together? Talk B4U Pack

Parents Headed for Trouble?

Action Steps for Common Aging Concerns

Information on health, housing and relationship issues in the ElderWise newsletter archive

What every Canadian with aging parents needs to know:
Read our full length book:  Your Aging Parents

Vol. 5, No. 4
© ElderWise Publishing 2009.
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